Mourning to Celebrate

After our third round of Clomid my blood work came back negative for ovulation. This was kind of a shock because my basal body temperature chart showed a temperature shift. What I learned was that the temperature shift was very short, indicating that if anything did occur, it would not result in a sustained pregnancy.

BBT Chart
Basal Body Temperature Chart

We had already talked about our next course of action should we face this reality. We will begin the process to adopt an older child. Honestly, it feels so good to put the uncertainty of each month behind us. It is an emotional roller coaster filled with day dreams, impatience, disappointment, hope and resolve, just to name a few.

In typical H fashion, I began in-depth research on adoption. I kept coming up across the topic of mourning infertility in an effort to move on to the next phase. Ok, I got it, I was sad about our situation but I was also excited to move on to the next steps to grow our family. No point in dwelling on it. I am already day dreaming about bedtime stories with two kiddos cuddled up in my lap. Can’t wait! So excited!!

That weekend, we decided to take little man to Grant’s Farm to feed goats and take a tram ride. We decided to take B’s diaper backpack instead of my giant purse. We hadn’t used the backpack in months. I went to update the necessities and pulled out a 9-month onesie and the tears just started to flow.

onesies

I hadn’t really thought about all the baby stuff I loved so much because it brought back memories of little man at that age. I hadn’t really thought about how great that phase is from 6 months to 1 year and how we wouldn’t see it again in our family. I hadn’t really thought about how I would have to go through all of our baby gear and decide what to do with it. I hadn’t taken the time to think about these things, to process them, bring them to the surface, cry, mourn and then move on. I had just wanted to move on.

The rest of the weekend I took the time to mourn. Consciously, intentionally mourn. And the idea of celebrating an adoption got that much sweeter.

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Clomid Round 3 and What We’ve Learned

I’m trying to decide how to feel right now. We have officially been trying for our second baby for one year and this was our third round of Clomid. Guess what? We are not pregnant. My objective in writing about this has been to share information and experience but right now I am having a hard time coming up with anything constructive. In an effort to not just have a pity party, here are a few things we’ve learned through this experience.

1. This sucks. I know, super negative. But, I put this out there because people have said to me that they don’t know what to say about the situation. So, I just want everyone to know that it sucks and that’s how you should treat it. Like a sucky suckfest. Just bring wine.

2. Clomid gets easier the longer I take it. I really hope this is true for others because I have read about a lot of unpleasant side effects. The first month was terrible, but each month after it gets less intense, less noticeable. I’ve stayed on the same dosage thus far, and that could be the reason, but I need to share something positive!

3. I have learned a TON about fertility. I mean, I’ve already had a miscarriage and a baby, I thought I knew it all!  I was wrong. There is still so much to learn. Two apps have been my primary sources of information, Fertility Friend and Kindara. Fertility Friend does a great “course” through a series of emails once you create an account. Kindara has a Knowledge Base and an outstanding message board community. Seriously, these are some of the nicest people I have ever interacted with online.

Fertility Friend AppKindara App

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Until next time my friends, good luck!

How to Survive the Two Week Wait

How To Survive The Two Week Wait
How To Survive The Two Week Wait

Just kidding!  I have no advice on this subject as I have been scouring the internet for all early pregnancy symptoms knowing full well they only fuel speculation instead of provide any concrete answers.  Like a pregnancy test.  That I will take in two weeks.  Two weeks…

It is amazing how much about your life hangs in the balance during these two weeks.  For example, I need a new pair of black shorts for the summer.  Do I go out and buy a new pair or do I wait two weeks and maybe get to buy a maternity pair? Since this will hopefully be my second full term pregnancy I know full well that a) I will balloon out immediately and b) maternity pants are 100,000 times more comfortable. It is tempting… but no.  I will wait.

All joking aside, it does feel like life has hit pause.  Because in two weeks my life will either be exactly as it is today or it will be heading in a new direction.

In the mean time, I am going to fill my two weeks with working, writing, playing with baby J, a date night with B, happy hour with friends and maybe some shopping for new black shorts.

How do you survive the two week wait?

Clomid

Clomid BBT Chart
Clomid BBT Chart

We have been trying for baby #2 for about 9 months with no success.  When we tried for J, we just assumed we were super fertile humans.  We got pregnant the first month we tried. That ended in a miscarriage, which sucked, but the next month we tried we were pregnant again.  Everyone was healthy and happy.  So when we started trying again, we didn’t foresee any issues.  Ha.  Hahahahahhahahhahahahha!

Enter Clomid.

This is our first cycle.  The good news is that, based on my BBT, I am 90% sure that I did ovulate.  The bad news is that we may have missed the ovulation window due to travel.  I will not be making that mistake again.  Clomid isn’t horrible, but it is no walk in the park either.  Here’s been my experience thus far.

CD1 – AF comes to town, nothing unusual.

CD3 – Start 50mg Clomid at 1pm

CD 4 – Take Clomid, AF leaves town.

CD 5 – Wake up DIZZY.  Like, the room is spinning and I may throw up.  Thankfully, this went away by lunch and I took my 1pm dose.

CD 6 – Take Clomid

CD 7 – Take Clomid

CD 10 – Huge dip in BBT, major fight with B, bloated and crampy.

CD 11 – Rise in BBT, really dislike B, for no reason, bloated and crampy, thinking maybe I ovulated.

CD 12 – Dip in BBT.  Well, that just pisses me off because I probably didn’t ovulate.  I am extremely sensitive, which is not the norm.  Seriously B, just stop talking.  Also, had no energy/strength/motivation at crossfit.  That just fueled the fire.

CD 13 – Small rise in BBT. Realize that I feel normal again and apologize to B for yelling, snapping, and generally being mean. Still feeling bloated and crampy.

CD 14 – Small dip in BBT. Feeling totally normal. The lens of normalcy helps me realize just how pissed I was at B – for no apparent reason.

CD 15 – Major spike in BBT.

CD 16 – Bloating goes away.

CD 17 – BBT remains high. 90% sure I ovulated.

Recap: From what I’ve read, a common side effect of Clomid is hot flashes.  I did not experience any the first cycle of Clomid.  That being said, Clomid made me really bloated and an unpleasant person for four days after my last dose until, this is my best guess, I ovulated.  Once I ovulated, my mood regulated.  While I am not looking forward to another round of Clomid, I will take it because it did it’s job.

What are your Clomid experiences?  Anyone get pregnant on their first round?